Raiders

of the lost

Archive

In the steaming jungle of UMass, Indiana Wogrin was on a Compusci project for his university. He and his guide looked at the awesome runes on the enterance of the cave: " Raduate Resear h en er "

His guide, Eastsider, warned him "Dr. Wogrin! Nobody has ever entered that place and came out alive!"

Wogrin looked up at Eastsider and spat, "That's nice." The moment they entered the cave, trouble strarted. Eastsider looked at Wogrin and exclaimed, "Your program! It has bugs all over it!" But the clever CompuSci doctor (with stats of all 18+) whipped out his trusty flowchart and brushed away all the bugs.

After crossing a crystal plate-glass bridge to a larger building, the two looked at their goal: standing, fifty feet away from them, was the data base for "Adventure".

Eastsider whispered "It looks so easy!"

Wogrin responded "That's what I don't like about it. It looks too easy." Wogrin, carefully dropping his T.I. programmable calculator on the ground, leapt back as a piece of decwriter paper shot from a small hole in the wall. On the paper was undecipherable runes. "Is it....?" The guide asked. "That's right...this is APL. You stay here...I'll go after it myself." Carefully, watching every step, Indiana Wogrin crept to the priceless listing. It was sitting on a stone altar marked "The System." Finally, Wogrin was there. Carefully, he mumbled the magic words: "PURGALL,TY=A" He grabbed the listing, thinking all was safe. But he turned around and saw the altar sinking into the floor. "Oh no! 'The System' is going down!" He yelled, and ran like a motherfucker out of there. The building was starting to collapse!

Wogrin and Eastsider ran across the bridge, but Wogrin got stuck in a closed loop. "Quick! Hit the Control-T!" He yelled to his partner.

"Throw me the database!" Wogrin threw it to him. He responded "Ha-ha! hit 'T' to continue, 'Return' to terminate!" That did it. Wogrin was pissed. Using a RS-232 cable, he climbed out. Just in time, as The System was crashing all over the place. He ran some more, and Eastsider stood there- dead. His boolean was false, after all. Wogrin picked up the listing and ran down another corrider. He looked behind him, and he was being chased by a giant CRT! Deftly ducking out of the way of the giant terminal, he finally made it out---alive!

But standing there was a man in a red down vest--his arch rival, Robert-Jon!! Robert-Jon stood there, and in back of him was a bunch of high-schoolers, all with their games lists pointed right at Wogrin!

"So, Dr. Wogrin, once again, what was once briefly yours is now mine! Give me the listing!" After mumbling a few curses under his breath, Wogrin handed it to him. Then he took off again...The high schoolers were chasing him, throwing their lists at him...He ran to a river where his pilot, Air, was waiting in a sea-plane. Wogrin jumped on just in time...He was safe! But no...He looked in his seat and saw a geek with an Izod sweater on. He pulled the thing out and yelled "Christ! There's a preppy in my seat!"

Air responded "Oh, that's just Biff...He's harmless! show a little backbone!"

Wogrin yelled, "I hate preppys!!!"

(Chapter 2)

Dr. Wogrin was lecturing his COINS 320 class. "Ok, now I know most of you can write, debug, and run this next program in a half hour. So here's the catch: I want you to write it in a language that doesn't exist."

One of the students had written across her eyelids "Fuck you!".

In the back of the class walked Indiana Wogrin's trusty advisor, Puppydog. Dr. Wogrin continued with his lecture: "Uh, a lot of you may be wondering why I don't have you program in an existing language."

The class responded in unison: "You bet your ass!"

He continued: "Uh, class dissmissed. Don't forget to read Chapter 27 of your Findlay & Watt."

One of the students, while leaving, dropped an apple on Indiana's desk. It was ticking.

Puppydog went up to Wogrin. "Uh, some fellows from the most important but most incompitent beurocracy want to talk to you."

Indiana Wogrin asked "You mean they're from the United States government?"

Puppydog answered: "Worse. They're from Whitmore."

sitting in a briefing room where three distinguished looking gentlemen. They were drinking tea, and the apparent leader wore a funny large hat with a note on it, "In this style, 5/11". The other had large ears, even larger than those of Prince Charles, and a terrible overbite problem. the third, who looked liked a doormouse, was asleep.

The one with the hat spoke first: " Indiana, we know you are an expert in the field of computers, and if I may say it, a hell of a "Galaxians" Player." Wogrin grinned. The man contiued. "We intercepted this cable from MIT which mentioned a certain 'Ernie', and something called 'A000000' Wogrin and Puppydog gaped at each other. Wogrin asked, "Uh, it could be a coinsidence that Ernie, even though he is a great, well, a good, ur, an operator, it is unlikly that this display...."

The one with the big ears interruppted: " Dr. Wogrin, the display of A000000 is strange. What is A000000 ?"

Wogrin answered: "It is a great number...has direct access bit."

"What?"

"With it you can do anything....find passwords, break into any number..."

"Holy LOP!"

"Yes, that's what the guys at MIT must think."

"And they have this A000000 ?"

"I doubt it. To get it, you must first find the legendary Kinnison. That is the headpiece to the staff of UCC. Then you must place this Kinnison on top of a Katy Cowles, and chant the magic word, "Hloe". Then, something happens that even the writer of this story doesn't know."

The doormouse woke up. "Your mission, Indiana Wogrin if you decide to accept it, is to get this A000000 and display it to us before MIT does."

There was a loud explosion from the back room. Puppydog reminded Wogrin that he forgot his apple.

"That's OK," Said Indiana, "I have an Apple II !"

"Well, Dr. Wogrin, do you accept?"

"I do."

 there was the sound of bells.

"Alright, who put those Control-G's there?"

Wogrin & Puppydog went to Wogrin's home. "Don't you realize that this is everything we went into computer science for? This could be the most revolutionary thing since Pong!"

Puppydog poured himself some old Pepsi. "I'd go with you but I'm getting too old....But be careful, there will be lots of danger."

Dr. Wogrin pulled out his American Express: "I don't leave home without it!"

(Chapter 3)

Indiana Wogrin went on board the TWA sea-plane. A strange, ugly dwarf followed him on board. If Dr. Wogrin wasn't so busy reading his "Nun's Life" Magazine, he would have noticed the dwarf was none other than Ernie, notorious zit doctor. And away they went to beautiful downtown Mongolia.

Beldar picked up another cup of coffee. His hands were shaking, his eyes were bloodshot, but he drank the black steaming liquid anyway. The crowd cheered. Across the table sat a beautiful young woman--- Renee. She was a bit wired herself, but she picked up a cup of coffee, and slowly drank it. The crowd cheered. She began to pass out. The crowd cheered. But at the last moment, she swiftly got her senses together and sat straight up. The crowd cheered. Beldar very shakingly picked up one more cup. He downed it in a couple of seconds. The crowd cheered. By then he was so wired, he stood up quickly and ran out of the room, waving frantically, yelling something that sounded a lot like 'Gaaaaaah!'. The crowd cheered. Renee collected her money from the crowd, and sent them all out of the room. (A-118). The crowd cheered.

She was putting her money under a cluster printer, when in he walked: Our hero, Indiana Wogrin. "Well", she said, "I knew you would come back, In-dee-an-a Wogrin." Then she punched him.

"I still haven't forgotten what you've done, Wogrin! You promised me you would get me a better shift! I hate working 12:00 to 7:00 !"

"Look, I had no better shift to give you! I couldn't help it!"

"Oh, yeah? Well I want more than that! I want a raise!"

"Hey, I'm not quite God---yet!"

She threw a floppy disk across the room.

he fumbled with a little Diablo ribbon, muttering, "Look, I've come to ask you a favor--- I need a Kinnison your father found. Really, it's worthless. It's a small gold figure with a little 'Hloe' in the middle of it. I'll give you $5,000 for it."

"I know the one you're talking about...I'll give it to you- tomorrow." He handed her $2000 in CPU time, and would give the rest to her the next day. She stuffed it secretly under the cluster printer.

The crowd cheered.

She thought she was alone, but when she turned around, she noticed Ernie walked in, backed by a bunch of Mongolian BA210ers.

"Hello, ma'am...I am interested in what your friend who just walked out in for in.", drawled Ernie, sinisterly.

"Huh?"

"Did you give him the Kinnison?"

"No....."

"That is very good. Give it to me!"

"I don't have it!" (note: the Kinnison was draped uncerimoniously over a CRT, right in the middle of the room. I just thought I'd throw that in, for your interest, but if you're not, thhbgrfey...)

one of the BA210ers hit the author with a rolled up copy of "Bits and Bytes". (The crowd cheered.)

Ernie fumbled around his little black bag of disgusting things. He picked out the most disgusting thing he could find---a Deucalion!

He started inching torward Her with it, with Her squirming, being held in place by on of the BA210ers. "That's really not needed, y'know...", She pleaded.

"It's too late for that, heh heh heh..."

When the Deucalion's disgusting face was within inches of hers, suddenly Indiana walked in, and whipped it away with a hard copy listing of "Quest". The BA210ers went ape, and started shooting anything that shot back. Since they were the only ones shooting, they picked themselves off quite efficiently.

Ernie looked down, and saw sitting there, the Kinnison! 'Hloe!' said the Kinnison. Ernie grabbed the Kinnison. Kinnison bit him. Ernie went flying through an open I/O window, yelling "Yow!"

Renee and Indiana ran out, and for no real reason the room blew up. Renee yelled, "I don't know what you're going to do, Doc, but you've got yourself a partner!"

"Ok, you can be my partner, but stop calling me doodoc!" they ran off into the next Chapter. The crowd cheered.

(Chapter 4)

Dr. Indiana Wogrin and Renee were routed to Cairo, Egypt. (ROUTE,WOGRIN,TC=CAIRO). Dr. Wogrin found and old CompuSci friend of his, Ralph Bunker. Ralph and his wife, Andromeda, gave them a monkey named Neil as a gift.

Indiana and Ralph were talking serious business. "So, Ralph, the guys at MIT found the password to A000000 displayed? "

"No, Wogee, but they found the consulting room."

"They can't do anything without Kinnison, the headpiece of the staff of UCC....which I have here." Dr. Wogrin pulled the Kinnison out. It said "Hloe", and climbed back in his pocket.

"But the guys at MIT have their own Kinnison. I saw it myself. It had writing on only one side of it, though..."

"Well, who here can tell me what these markings mean, anyway?"

"I know an old man, his name is Enif."

"He is a good interpreter? Can he compile Pascal?"

"I think he is Fine."

Dr. Wogrin and Renee were walking down the narrow side streets of Cairo. There were several salesmen of ADDS and other obsolete garbage. Neil was climbing all over Dr. Wogrin. Renee stopped to look at a girl named Kim who gave her Pet an Apple, when Indiana turned around and yelled, "Shit!" They were being attacked by hoards of Mailboxers! but Dr. Wogrin knew how to stop them...He threw a bunch of stolen numbers at them! Starhawk and Devo were tearing each other apart for a Boston library number, while Rama was busy stumbling over a bunch of SBA numbers. Louis Wu nearly gagged to death on a Coins consultant number, and Orcus was nearly crushed to death with a Hampshire College number.

Dr. Wogrin thought that they were the last of his worries, when he turned around and saw none other than Game*Man, wielding a six-foot long games list. Game*Man had it all...from Adventure to Zoobie! he was about to Bash Indiana, whom there was no Escape for, (no matter how much he Searched). Then Dr. Wogrin took out a lugar and shot Game*Man. So much for that.

Indiana Wogrin didn't notice it, but Neil had dissappeared, to goto a very ugly agent of MIT. (probably Hacker.)

Also he didn't notice, but Renee was kidnapped by Dalmarf and Kretch, who placed her in a long print queue. He looked around, and they were driving off...He was nearly shot to death with machine gun fire, crushed to death with some large rocks, and bored to death by Hovercraft. He almost had her, when suddenly everything stopped! "Oh, no!", he cried in anguish, "Her job's been aborted!" It was too late---she was quite dead.

Doc Wogrin was sitting in a tavern getting drunk on some Chateau Ascii, when he saw none other than Robert-Jon sitting there. "Well, professor Wogrin, I see you still have the same type of workers!", said Robert-Jon, looking at Neil who was kissing Wogrin's posterior.

"We both got into this field for the same reason...to play a little Star-Trek, to make Snoopy calenders, and to generally have a good time. But we were both addicted soon....now we need Hi-res color graphics, real time, type-ahead, 8 billion k memory, the works..."

"Uh-huh"

"Go ahead, Dr. Wogrin, terminate me if you want!"

With his hand on his Control-T, Indiana said, "I'd love to!"

Soon, every one in the tavern had a modem pointed at Wogrin. He knew he was defeated. But then, half a dozen Rabbits came running up to Dr. Wogrin, saying, "No, don't hurt him! He's our hero! Almost as much as Ted Schiff!"

Robert-Jon laughed.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

"Next time, Indiana Wogrin, it will take more than Rabbits to save you!"

Dr. Wogrin and Ralph Bunker were in the house of Enif. Enif, the all-wise guy, was looking at the Kinnison, reading its mysterious Alt Char set.

he handed it back to Wogrin, and said, "First, it says 'Hloe'. Then, you must make sure it is 15", as in John 'The Wad' Holmes. Only then, can you mount it on the Katy Cowles," Then he flipped it over, "And on the back it says, 'But never on Sunday'"

Indiana asked Ralph, "Are you sure that they only had a one-sided Kinnison?"

"Positive"

Then they began chuckling, "They're Catlisting the wrong number! They will never get the display for A000000!"

Then Ralph began dancing about, singing an old native folk song,

	"Hello Cyber, my old friend, 
         I've come to Talk with you again...." 

In celebration, Wogrin was about to list a program. Quickly, Ralph stopped him, pointing to the dead Neil on the floor. "It must have had a :D in it!"

(Chapter 5)

Indiana Wogrin and Ralph Bunker were walking past a bunch of MIT workers, they themselves dressed as cowboys. Robert-Jon and his half-orc bother, Regnad, were walking along together in the background.

"I wonder how they got a copy of the Kinnison?", Indiana asked.

"I don't know....but they still haven't found the archive yet...", Ralph answered.

Regnad was yelling at Robert-Jon. "You fuels! Haven't you found the archive yet? Your time is almost up!" Robert-Jon answered, "We couldn't have done anything wrong...we even have our own copy of the Kinnison!"

Ernie walked up to them and babbled, "Zieg HAL", and held up his hand, where on his palm was burnt a "Hloe!"

Indiana and Ralph saw a hole in the ground, with a large sign saying "This way to the secret map room!" Above it. Ralph said, "This is the secret map room."

Indiana said, "Oh."

Indiana looked around, then threw the staff of the UCC down the hole. Then, being lead down by a sturdy rope that he got from Escape, he looked around. There before him was a miniature of the entire UMass, Amherst campus!

he brushed the ground before the map, and found a small hole which had, "Stick your pole here for a good time" written next to it surrounded by curly brackets. He placed the staff there, and had Kinnison mount the whole thing.

The sun was about to enter the map room. Since it was physically impossible to do this, instead it threw a beam of light in. It went through the Hloe in the Kinnison, and like a phaser set on "Stun", hit a tall concrete building at the very northern end of the map.

Dr. Wogrin said, "Gee, Arh see!" Then he broke the staff into two pieces (actually, 2 1/2 pieces), and was about to go back up. But Ralph was called away! someone threw down a fifty-foot listing of the .help command for Talk (c), however, and Indiana used that to climb back up.

Indiana ran into a tent at random (RND*TENT) and saw Renee sitting there, all tied up! He did a quick terminal recovery, and removed a gag from her mouth, which quickly ran away.

"Oh, no," He cried, "A running gag!"

But then realized something..."If I free you now, they're going to know you're either public or semi-private, and then will try to purge you!" Then to her surprise, tied her up again (As she would later recall, "I'm always being tied up!")

Then he ran out. A few minutes later, Robert-Jon walked in. He untied her, and said, "We still have a place for culture here in this god-forsaken place," And handed her some yogurt.

"This is good stuff", she said, gulping the stuff down.

"I used to live on the stuff, until my parents let me in the house....Here, my dear, put this on", and he handed her a yellow radiation suit.

She changed into it, and ate more yogurt, and gave Robert-Jon some more. It was starting to go to his head.

She tipped him over. She said, "He's no fun, he fell right over!", and ran to the door. But in walked Ernie, blocking her way. He held out an ominous black box, and made a threatening gesture with it. Then, she realized it was only a disk drive, and she had nothing to worry about. (Well, relativly nothing to worry about. Just Robert-Jon stoned on yogurt, and Ernie......)

Indiana Wogrin and Ralph were digging where they were supposed to dig, according to the map-room scene. When a hole was dug wide enough for them to slip in, they looked down to the resting place of the archive of A000000.

Ralph asked, "Is it my imagination, or is the floor moving?"

Wogrin looked down at the small white fluffy creatures who were littering the floor. Then he looked up and moaned, "Oh, no! Why does it have to be rabbits!"

(Chapter 6)

Indiana Wogrin looked down at the pit of rabbits, and said, "Darn!". Then he lowered himself into the pit, armed with his trusty job-aborter. As soon as he got down, he started aborting rabbits left and right. But it was too much! "Quick, Ralph!", he yelled, "Throw me the neutron bomb!" Ralph Bunker, still outside the pit, dropped him a bright green neutron bomb. It was good, but not good enough. Rabbits kept being submitted left and right! "Ralph, get down here!" Ralph lowered himself in the deadly pit.

They looked around and They saw thier goal...the heavy pumice box housing the archive of A000000!

Carefully, Ralph and Indiana opened the lid. And there they saw it: A000000,pw=DISPLAY !!!

They hoisted the heavy number out the the Rabbit-infested pit. Then Ralph hoisted himself out. Indiana was about to get out when he heard a familiar voice...It was Robert-Jon!

"Well, Dr. Wogrin! Once again, what was once briefly yours is now mine! well, sorry you have to go like this, hanging up without even saying 'Bye'..."

above ground, Ernie was struggling with Renee. He snickered, "Now it is time for you to join Dr. Wogrin! Snicker Snicker!" Renee tried to fight back, yelling, "Indiana wants me, but I can't go back there!" Then he pushed her in.

Indiana Wogrin caught her, and she squirmed, "Let go of me!" Robert-Jon looked down at both of them, and said, "Logged out!" Then the nasty guys from MIT covered the pit up.

Renee screamed, "Look at all these rabbits!"

Indiana handed her a job-aborter and yelled, "Shove this at anything that submits!"

Renee replied, "This whole room is submitting! How will we get out of here?"

Indiana looked around, and finally said, in a voice much like John Wayne's, "I'm gonna go...right...through...that...door!" Then he turned the handle, and they walked out of the Rabbit- room. Renee leaned against a wall for support, but was then attacked by a COINS-122er!

"How do I play Mailbox?", the 122er asked. She turned around, and found the whole room was filled with COINS-122ers, and Eastsider reincarnated, wearing a CNS122 t-shirt. (are you happy now, Ewen?)

The 122ers turned to Renee, attacking her with questions.

"How do I turn my terminal off?"

"How do you find Xedit? I know its old,Xedit something..."

"Where are all the games?"

"Do you have 'Space Invaders' on the computer?"

"How do you play CATLIST??"

Indiana saw she was in a heap of trouble. He ran into the room and yelled, "Terminal room closes in five minutes!" Then all the 122ers vanished in a puff of greasy black smoke. Indiana pushed aside a heavy paper-mache rock, and he and Renee slipped out into the open air...they were free!

(Chapter 7)

Dr. Indiana Wogrin and Renee were walking away from the resting place of the archive of A000000, when Ralph Bunker spotted them.

He ran up to them, "My friends! I thought for sure you would be terminated! How did you ever escape?"

"I pressed Control-P."

"They are loading A000000 onto that bus over there. You better hurry!"

"No, we have lots of time. That's a PVTA bus."

Then Dr. Wogrin and Renee walked up to the bus. But the driver wouldn't let him in, due to lack of room. Indiana looked in disgust, thinking of a clever way to board the bus. Then he heard a familiar voice behind him. "What's a matter, can't get it on?"

Dr. Wogrin turned around, in sheer horror. Only one person could have made such a bad pun...the dreaded Tiger Silly!

"It would be rather dull if you got on anyway, because you would be a-BORED!"

"No!!!" Dr. Wogrin yelled.

"But think about the driver...he's really been BUStling!"

Dr. Wogrin was rolling on the ground, holding his ears in pain.

"You know what I say...BUSiness before pleasure!"

"Please, shut up!!!"

Then Dr. Wogrin pulled out his trusty RS232 cable, and with a little Karaking it like a whip, the punster was completely Demolished. Indiana and Renee ran from the bus, and suddenly everything blew up. fortunatly, the PVTA people responsible for loading A000000 on were an hour and a half late, so it wasn't loaded on.

Ralph ran up to them and yelled, "You have to hurry now! they just loaded it on to a UPS truck, going straight for Amherst College!"

Indiana said "You two meet me at SBA. I'm going to get A000000 there."

"How?"

"I don't know. Devo is making this up as he goes along."

Then for the next twenty minutes, Dr. Wogrin hijacked the UPS truck, and drove it straight to SBA, killing off LOTS of extras in the meantime.

From SBA, Indiana Wogrin, and Renee were going with the archive to be shipped back to the UCC (via the S.S. Old Pepsi).

Ralph looked at Indiana, hugged him, and said "Goodbye!"

Indiana looked at Ralph and said, "Logout!"

The three of them were then greeted by the captain of the ship, the famous pirate Salamir. He was on crutches, due to his pegleg, and had a bright yellow with blue polkadotted parrot on his shoulder, who kept saying "Yow!" And "Polly want Cool-Whip!"

Then Renee went up to Ralph, and kissed him on one cheek. "That is for your direct access files'. Then she kissed him on the other cheek and said, "That is for your indirect access files'. Then she kissed him on the lips and said, "And that, that is for your local files."

Ralph walked away, spread out his arms, and started singing an old folksong: " I once had a sword, or should I say, it once had me..."

then Indiana, Renee, and Salamir went aboard the ship. Salamir told Dr. Wogrin, "You can stay in any room you want, except for the room where my staff is."

in a cabin, Indiana was resting, when Renee walked in wearing a fancy dress. She said, "I don't think I'm the first woman who's been on Old Pepsi. It has here on the tab, "Property of Maud'Dib" crossed out on it."

Then she accidentally dropped a picture of Plato on Dr. Wogrin, who destroyed the picture immediatly.

She then knelt down by him, and kissed him on the forehead.

"Ow!" He screamed, "That hurts!"

"Well, where doesn't it hurt?"

He held up his elbow, "Right there!"

She kissed his elbow.

He pointed to his shoulder, "And not so much there."

She kissed his shoulder.

"Or there."

She kissed him again.

"Or on my oh-ohhh-ooooohhhhhh!!!!!"

Salamir walked in. He saw what was going on, walked out, and came in again a few minutes later. "You have to hide. The guys at MIT found out that the archive is here."

Dr. Wogrin hid in a spot labled 'secret hiding spot', but Renee was found.

Indiana watched Salamir bargain with an MIT preppie as they loaded A000000 onto a subroutine. "Take what you want. Just leave us the girl. Where we are headed, she might be able to restore something."

Then Robert-Jon stepped up, "We're taking her!" and kicked a crutch away.

"By the way, where is Dr. Wogrin?"

"I had him Fxecuted."

Robert-Jon looked on in disgust, gave Renee his red down vest, and he and the guys from MIT boarded the subroutine.

(Chapter 8)

           " CDC CYBER 175 - UMASS (ESM)                 NOS 1.4 - 518/518
            USER NUMBER: A000000
            PASSWORD: DISPLAY"

         "TERMINAL:  26, USERS 125
          RECOVER /SYSTEM: "

            "PASSWOR."
            "OLD PASSWORD:" 
            "DISPLAY" 
            "NEW PASSWORD:" 
  

The End.